It all started three years ago, after his miraculous pardon and release from Azkaban. She had found him when he was nothing but a mess. Suffering from PTSD, licking his old wounds that never scarred, he was pathetic. She was kind. He could see it in her eyes as she sat with him, talking to him like a human being for once. She didn’t look at him like an object.


She brought him food and tea and stayed by his side. Her voice calmed him down as he tried to talk his way out of his own mind. He had been so starved for it. And he hated himself for this.


Hermione Granger, because who else could it have been, with that bleeding heart of hers and desire to help stray dogs that even the War and battle scars could not wipe away, had found Severus Snape wasting his days away in Hog's Head. At first, she said nothing, just looked him over head to toe and left the pub. Second, she spotted his persona in Knockturn Alley, he was definitely looking for trouble, trying to attract witches' and wizards' wrath upon his head. She did not interfere but took care of his wounds after the bar fight. He hated her for this. And he hated himself.


For every single thing he had ever done was out of self-loathing, and Hermione pointed this fact boldly at him, leaving him speechless. For every person he had killed, for every man he had tortured or betrayed, she was here, giving him kindness, helping him heal, and letting him go on to do better than what he had done before.

"You deserve someone who treats you well," she said softly one day. Severus didn't need her forgiveness or her understanding. He needed his liquor strong and allow him to forget faces, to mute the voices, and to drown in the black world of his mind. He hated drunkards and once he had sworn that he would never turn into one. He would never turn into his father, but it was way too much to handle. Even with Hermione's presence by his side.


So, he nursed his liquor in his slender fingers while she begged him to stop. At first, she tried to talk him out of this. Then she screamed. After that, she made him an ultimatum. And he snapped. He did not need another master ordering him around in his life, thank you so much! He told her to go to hell.


A pathetic fool was left alone with his bottle and overwhelming loneliness He couldn't get it out of his head. The screams that echoed through the air, the tears staining red, the blood spilling across the dirty cobblestones as they, his victims and lost friends, fell apart. Hermione Granger crying. It was all he could hear in his head. It became an anthem of sorts, his only constant in the past three years.


Severus was unable to drown his past life in his liquor. He was wasting his days away, trying to forget, but remembering more and more with each new gulp. Again, he had lost the person who wanted to help him despite everything he had done. He missed her like crazy, his sweet Hermione. His Hermione with her soft hands, her gentle nature, and her compassionate spirit. He loved the way she would make him laugh and the way she would always try to make him smile no matter how bad it got. They were two sides of the same coin, he could say that, admit it to himself quietly, as he drained yet another whiskey bottle.


She had been right about everything she had said or done to help him, and he wasted her kindness away. His world was too dark, he didn't want Hermione in, he did not want to taint her, to maim her, to ruin something as pure as she was.


So, he hugged his liquor when all he ever wanted was to hug her. To look her in the eyes, to run his fingers through her hair, to forget himself and his fears in her body.


But instead, his bottle sat empty next to him, coldness seeping through its glass and making his skin crawl as the emptiness spread throughout his chest. He felt like a hollow shell of his former self, and the alcohol seemed to be doing little to fill him up. He wondered if he had become addicted to it like his father was.
Lucius Malfoy of all people dragged Severus out of the depth of his despair when they were sharing their regular nightcap in Malfoy Manor.


"How?" Severus rasped, "How did you manage to live a relatively normal life again after everything we had seen and done?"


Lucius smiled his aristocratic smile that even Azkaban had not managed to wipe off his face.


"Narcissa. She helped me through it...and through everything. I don't know where I would be without her. Find yourself a good witch, mon ami. Good witches can do that to us, men, to calm our storms and to nurse our wounds, and to love us." Lucius said with that damn condescending tone that only he could pull off. But Severus knew his friend was telling the truth because Narcissa really did love him...despite everything.


He spent weeks thinking about his words and came to the conclusion that Lucius was right. He owed her. He owed them. So he decided to drag his willpower out of the depth of his soul and to change.


"Find something that you still love, something that still feeds your passion, and fight for it!" Lucius had said that as he took the bottle out of Severus' numb fingers. "I don't want to lose my only friend to the liquor!"


And Severus obeyed. He watched his whiskey go down the drain as he threw away the empty bottle, and for the first time in years, he felt satisfaction. Step by step, little by little, he would learn how to be himself again. And after that, he might visit Hermione...And beg for her forgiveness. The king of all pretenders, Severus desperately wanted to catch that fleeting glimpse of happiness that he only experienced with her by his side. He would do anything for her. Anything to regain his dignity and honor.


It took him good six months to stop hating himself when he stared into his haunted eyes in the mirror every morning. He started brewing again, his clientele did not care about his PTSD or drinking habits, but he was a damn good Potions Master! Slowly and thoroughly, Severus collected some money to open a small shop in some distant corner of Diagon Alley and started his apothecary. He even went so far as to start taking vitamin potions and jogging in the morning. He was fighting for himself and with himself. He was not sure which side would win.


And one day in September Severus found himself holding a bunch of white lilacs, wearing his newest leather jacket and completely Muggle jeans, and knocking on Hermione's door with all determination he could find


The witch looked him over, her brown eyes shining as she took in his appearance. A shy grin appeared on her face.


"Severus!" Hermione gasped as she stepped inside to let him in. Snape hesitated on her doorstep, unable to start the conversation.


They stood there for a moment, staring at each other until Hermione cleared her throat and stepped back to offer him her hand. He accepted it, shaking it gently, and then he followed her toward the kitchen. Once they settled in front of each other, he handed her the bouquet of white flowers.


"This is for you..." Severus began uncertainly. "Hermione, I really don't know where to begin and I don't know if you even let me finish my half-baked speech, but I really want you to see me as a different person. I've been clean for six months, nothing stronger than tea. I started brewing again and opened an apothecary. I'm still recovering and healing. I want you to understand that."


"Yes," she nodded slowly as she held his gaze, "yes, I know. You're trying, Severus."


Severus took a deep breath in relief, and continued,


"I have been going through things I wouldn't let anyone experience, let alone you. That's why I drove you away half a year ago. I didn't want you to see my monsters, there are battles I had to fight alone, but I desperately want you back, Hermione. I was such a pathetic fool, I hate myself so much!"


Hermione got up from her place and came to Severus, she hugged his head to herself, running her fingers through his hair which was shining healthy once again.


"Oh, Severus, you don't need to hate yourself anymore, believe me, you've had your fair share of hell in your life. I am glad that Lucius managed to beat some sense into your head."


Snape lifted his gaze.


"How do you know about Lucius?"


Hermione chuckled, caressing his temples.


"I owled him a couple of times and it seems, I was very convincing in my desire to see your snarky, stubborn, and unbreakable self again."


"Such a Slytherin strategy, witch!"


"And it worked, as we both can see now."


Severus held his breath as he looked her in the eyes.


"So, what now?"


"Now I want you to get up and kiss me, you insufferable man! I missed you, Severus...My Severus."


And he obeyed because that was what he truly wanted: to be her Severus once again.



The End.